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Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Children Essay There is a woman in Wal-Mart shopping for groceries. She is a mother with of kids ranging in age from two to ten. The four-year old grabs a pack of cookies off the shelf and places them in the cart. Her mother notices and asks her to put the cookies back. The little girl stomps her feet and begins to scream â€Å"I want cookies! † at the top of her lungs. The other customers stop and stare, anticipating her mother’s reaction. Taking advantage of the crowd, the little girl launches into a full-blown temper tantrum. Feeling the eyes of strangers watching, the mother desperately tries to calm her daughter down. When all else fails, the mother gives in. How should the mother have handled it? What does this say about her style of parenting? â€Å"The idea of being a parent is exciting but its a little scary; what if you get it wrong? Theres so much you have to know and so many things you have to decide† (Gurian, 2011). Parenting is arguably the toughest, yet most rewarding full-time occupation. There is no universal manual on how to raise the perfect child or how to be the perfect parent. Parents are responsible for raising a child from birth to adulthood. How a child is raised differs from household to household. What works in one family may or may not work in another. Parenting styles can be based on culture, socioeconomic status, or the kind of parenting the parent received as a child. In the 1960s, a psychologist by the name of Diana Baumrind studied more than one hundred preschoolers. Baumrind identified four significant dimensions of parenting through naturalistic observation, parental interviews and other various research methods. They are warmth and nurturance, communication styles, expectations of maturity and control, and disciplinary strategies (Cherry, 2011). Baumrind is also responsible for identifying the three main parenting styles. Based on her research, others were able to come up with a fourth and highly unfavorable style of parenting. The four styles of parenting are authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, negligent or uninvolved parenting (Cherry, 2011). An authoritarian parent enforces rigid rules and demands strict obedience to authority. Children raised in authoritarian households are expected to accept without question what the parents tell them (Coon, Mitterer, Talbot and Vanchella, 2010, p. 91). An authoritative parent is similar to an authoritarian parent when it comes to enforcing rules and establishing guidelines. The children are expected to abide by these rules and guidelines. However, an authoritative parent allows the child to voice his or her opinion making this style more of a democracy than a dictatorship. The child is allowed to make mistakes without the guilt of disappointing the parents. Permissive parents demand very little of their children and rarely discipline them. They are more of a friend than a parent to their child (Cherry, 2011). Negligent or uninvolved parents are unresponsive, uncommunicative, and have few demands. They fulfill the basic needs of children – food, shelter, clothes—but are emotionally detached from their child’s life. They have very little knowledge of what goes on in the child’s world. What effect does the parenting style have on children? Diana Baumrind (2012) researched the qualities of children based on the parental style in their home. Her results are as follows: Authoritative Parenting: †¢lively and happy disposition †¢self-confident about ability to master tasks well developed emotion regulation †¢developed social skills †¢less rigid about gender-typed traits (exp: sensitivity in boys and independence in girls) Authoritarian Parenting: †¢anxious, withdrawn, and unhappy disposition †¢poor reactions to frustration (girls are particularly likely to give up and boys become especially hostile) †¢do well in school (studies may show authoritative parenting is comparable) †¢not likely to engage in antisocial activities (exp: drug and alcohol abuse, vandalism, gangs) Permissive Parenting poor emotion regulation (under regulated) †¢rebellious and defiant when desires are challenged †¢low persistence to challenging tasks †¢antisocial behaviors Dr. Dan Bochner (2012), author of â€Å"The Essentials of Parenting,† states the essentials of parenting are kindness and affection balanced with consistency and firmness. Children need kindness and affection to know that they are loved and that their parents understand mistakes will be made. Consistency and firmness are crucial as well in order to establish rules and guidelines for children to obey. Bochner thoroughly elaborates on how kindness, affection, consistency and balance are necessary when raising a child: * â€Å"Kindness: In essence, kindness involves putting yourself in the shoes of your child, thinking about your childs motivations or intentions, and realizing that what theyre going through, or the way theyre acting, is related to their age, and the vulnerability of their situation. When we disapprove of a childs behavior, we are likely to over-react if we see their actions exclusively from the adult perspective. It is common to think children should know better without considering what they are experiencing. When were tired or stressed it can intensify a less than empathic reaction. Likewise, when children are acting in ways that we like, we have to remember that their actions require effort on their part, and if we do not demonstrate our appreciation, our children might feel little desire to make similar effort in the future. * Affection: One way that we can show our appreciation is through affection. It feels good to be hugged and snuggled as long as its invited. The desire of most children for affection is so great that theyll often rub up against their parents, or flop into their laps, like hungry kittens. Sometimes children will behave in positive ways just because they want affection. But it is also often the case that a child is in a moment where they want and need independence. It is important for parents to understand the independent spirit of their children and to refrain from being too affectionate when their child desires, or should be developing, independence. As much as a parent must recognize that their child needs affection, they must also realize that holding off on being affectionate might be almost as crucial since a child can perceive overwhelming affection as thwarting independence. Consistency: Consistency is made difficult by our own changing moods and by our differences with our partners. Children are better able to negotiate the family and watch their behavior when parents expectations are clear, and the consequences are set for what will occur when expectations are not met. If we are able to remain consistent in spite of stress or unpredictable circumstances, we b uild stability into the family environment. Nothing can be more important than the ability of parents to support one another in their views and their interventions if consistency is to be maintained. The confidence children develop as a result of parental consistency carries over into other parts of life, and into your childs future. * Firmness: Firmness, of course, goes hand in hand with consistency. When a parent is serious and behaves in accordance with their feelings, children feel it in their bones. This is not a recommendation for angry or mean behavior. Rather, tone of voice, body language and facial expression easily reveal seriousness. Children, who are used to a consistent, yet loving and affectionate, home, know when they should not cross the line. Testing of parental limits occurs with almost all children, but if children know with certainty that parents will stand firm when theyve had enough, children learn their limits while simultaneously learning the limits they should set in their interactions with others. † Lastly, Dr. Bochner (2012) ties them all together with parents making an effort: * â€Å"Make the Effort: There is one point that is essential to repeat. As a parent it is necessary to make the effort to keep these attributes in mind and in balance. But it is not always going to be easy, and sometimes it may not seem possible. Parents need to give themselves a break when they are impatient or snap in frustration. As long as there is an effort to be kind, affectionate, consistent, and firm, children will get the message that they are loved, valued, and cared for in a consistent and knowable world. If they internalize that message, they will carry it with them throughout their lives, and they will pass it on to the next generation. † Parental styles also come into play when dealing with temperaments of children. Since children in the same household may have different temperaments, it is crucial parents are aware of it and adjust accordingly. The differences in temperament can be detected early in infancy. They are classified as easy, difficult and slow to warm up. Easy children are very adaptable, calm, interested in trying new things, cheerful and usually content. Difficult children are the exact opposite. They are fussy, easily upset, fearful of unfamiliar situations and people, aggressive and have low adaptability. Children that are slow to warm up have a tendency to be shy, somewhat inactive, withdraw or negatively react to new experiences but over time their reactions become more positive ( Gurian 2011). As the children get older, their temperaments change based on their understanding of different situations. For example, before shy children reach adolescence, they are considered a â€Å"slow to warm up† child. Once they are familiar with their new surroundings, they will interact with other children. Parenting is a responsibility that can’t be taken lightly. There is more to being a parent than just conceiving a child. How a child is raised effects their development into adulthood. Most parents raise their kids based on how they were brought up with a few modifications. I was raised in an authoritative household and will raise my kids the same way. Parents strive to give their kids the best life possible and will sometimes go beyond their means to ensure this. Joshua Becker (2012) made a list of ten things all children need that give more to the child than anything of monetary value: love, time/attention, encouragement/affirmation, stability, opportunity, discipline, a good laugh, your lap, room to make mistakes, and hugs/kisses. Proverbs 22:6 states: â€Å"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. † The best parents nurture and are not afraid to discipline their kids. They parents teach and instill morals that their children will never forget. As young adults, children will make decisions built on morals and conduct themselves as if their parents are watching. Although they won’t always agree with their parents, they will appreciate how they were raised. Most are thankful their parents were just that – parents- and didn’t try to be their best friend.